On my way back
After months of longing, desperation, and nights filled with sobbing and confusion, clarity finally found its way into my heart. It didn’t come gently, nor did it arrive with grand revelations. It was quiet—a fragile realization that whispered through the chaos of my emotions. I knew what I had to do. I just hoped I wouldn’t run back to my impulsive, emotion-driven decisions again.
It’s strange how time changes people. I’ve spent countless nights overthinking, wondering if he ever realized what he missed out on. Our friendship—so pure and effortless in the beginning—had slowly faded into something unrecognizable. The easy laughter, the late-night conversations, and the bond we shared had all but slipped through my fingers. And now, as I gather the pieces of myself, a thought I never expected crosses my mind—
Could we start over?
This idea feels like a gamble. It could mean finally letting him go, stepping out of his life for good—or it could mean reviving the friendship we once had. A friendship that bloomed effortlessly during that first month when we met online, unburdened by misunderstandings or unspoken feelings. A part of me craves that simplicity. Another part of me wonders if he would even want it.
But there’s something I’ve realized: I want him to say it. I want him to be the one to reach out, to tell me that the friendship was just as important to him as it was to me. That would be the reassurance I need—the small hope that maybe it wasn’t all one-sided.
He’s never had many female friends, and I know that. Maybe he doesn’t even know what it’s like to truly have one. It’s a strange thought—picturing him with another female friend. I can’t predict how I’d react. Would it hurt? Probably. But I’m trying to pull myself together, to be strong, to be a big girl who can face reality without breaking down.
Life is unpredictable. You can build your life as you wish, but you only get what it offers you. And I’ve come to terms with that. If he wanted the friendship, he would do something about it. But until then, I’m learning to live without needing answers, without holding on to things that aren’t mine to keep.
Maybe I’ll get the courage to ask him if we can start over. Or maybe I’ll just let the universe take its course. Either way, I’m standing on my own two feet, hoping that someday, one way or another, things will make sense.