"Three months of infatuation vs love, chaos and what-ifs"
It was about 4 months before I decided to delete discord. I received a friend request, quite an odd one, because it looked like a profile that I've never compensated to before. But anyways I accepted it, but there was no talk. Consequently, a few days later I texted the profile myself and that's where it all started.
We had our first call, turns out we were from the same country to add more into the soup, we spoke the same language too. It was the curiosity and the level of boredom that made our first call the longest first calls I've ever had. A very memorable one too. From there on, we'd call often.
We had a lot of conversations where we spoke about the things we liked, music, food, family, books and etc. Moreover, it was always the laughs and giggles that were the one overweighing the speech, that's what made it special and it kept on bringing ourselves back to eachother.
Until the second month, We hadn’t talked much lately. Not like before. He had pulled back, keeping his distance to avoid misunderstandings. I understood it, I really did. But understanding didn’t make it easier.
I pulled my knees to my chest, phone in my hand, thumb hovering over his chat. Should I text him? Should I wait? Should I even care this much?
But I did care.
Maybe too much.
I sighed, locking my phone and closing my eyes. I had spent months trying to untangle my emotions, trying to work through my fears—of abandonment, of losing people, of getting attached too quickly. And yet, here I was, caught in the middle of my own contradictions.
He wasn't too late to notice that I was acting a bit strange. So he questioned the connection dynamics. In my heart, I had a lot of conflicts, denial. What if I say it, but it ruins everything, and what if I don't and he'd never know at all? Sometimes I wish I didn't say anything at all.
Obviously I got rejected. That night, rejection hit me like a sharp needle, piercing through every fragile hope I had held onto. He called me, my voice breaking before I even spoke. And when the words finally spilled out, so did the tears. I cried shamelessly.
On other days, My phone lay beside me, untouched. I had checked it too many times today, each time hoping for a message that didn’t come. patience wasn't my strength to be honest. I tried so hard no to be attached but my anxious attachment style got the best of me that time.
There was a twist. He thought he liked me the way I liked him too. To add to that we had conversations as if we were more than friends. To be honest, I was happy. There were some ups and downs between the both of us, mostly myself. Just to realize that it was small acts and plays from his side. But I don't blame him, why? because we're human. Life's full of beautiful mistakes.
The overthinking that came with all of this serious took a toll on me. I had sleepless nights.
But things are quite different now, we've stopped acting as if we're more than friends. We were nothing more than friends to begin with. We just support eachother along our lives. I wish to create more memories and lovely conversations. Ah, we're all human after all.